Harper Government to Aid Canadian Calendar Industry (guest blog)

(The following is reported {in jest} by Richard of Cornwall)

“Since the former Liberal Government created the new territory of Nunavut, the Canadian calendar industry has been suffering. It is the intention of the Harper Government to redress this wrong.”

 This is a quote from Stephen Harper on a press release that was leaked prematurely by a “senior staffer” from the Prime Minister’s Office.

  According to the release, the problem began when a former Liberal/Commie government bowed to pressure from northern residents to give them their own territory. Previously, the ten provinces and two territories (Yukon and NWT) coincided nicely with the 12-month calendar. Publishers could conveniently print one picture of each province or territory each month. However, this came to an end with the establishment of the Nunavut Territory, as complete Canadian coverage now required 13 pictures.

 “The calendar industry has been taking a beating,” according to the PMO spokesperson, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “They must either leave out a province, which would contribute severely to Canadian disunity, or publish 13-month calendars. This is causing the industry a problem and cutting into profits, because if they want to cover the entire country, as Bill C-174, to be introduced later this session mandates, they have to add January for the following year.

 “Canadians who traditionally pay full price for a new calendar at New Year can now wait till the end of January. However, calendars are severely discounted by this time, which cuts significantly into the industry’s profits.”

An Innovative Solution

The Harper Government, realizing the problems the industry is facing, has reacted in an innovative way. Starting in 2013, there will be 13 months of 28 days each in the new Canadian calendar. “We chose 2013 because the current world will end at the end of 2012. Thus, 2013 represents a new beginning.”

 Having a 13-month calendar entails adding an extra month. “The new month will mark the beginning of the New Year, and will be called Harperary, in honour of our Prime Minister. As this will be such an important month for Canadians it will have 29 days.

 Because thirteen months with 28 days only adds up to 364 days, one day will be automatically added to the end of Harperary – it will be called Harper Day, and will be a national holiday. On leap years, a second day will be added to the month – Election Day – where all Canadians will have the opportunity to confirm our Prime Minister for another four-year term. Polling will be conducted automatically via RoboCall. Voters who wish to vote for our Leader need only to answer the phone for their vote to be recorded automatically – those who want to vote for some other candidate or party will be directed to the new Canadian National Polling Station, situated on Ellesmere Island. The PMO spokesman said that having only a single polling station for the whole country will eliminate the confusion caused in the last election, where people claimed they had been directed to the wrong place.

 “With only a single, National, voting station, there will be no confusion. It will also save the Party significantly, as we will not have to contract for multiple RoboCalls to direct opposition voters.”

Ezra Levant Generally Satisfied

When contacted for his reaction, Fox News North star Ezra Levant was generally pleased that Harper had followed his instructions regarding calendar reform. “There is still some work to be done, however, as I had instructed the Prime Minister that the new month should be Levant – after all, our agreement was that he would be the Prime Minister, but I’d be the one who really controls the government, and Levant means ‘rising,’ the point where the sun actually rises.

 “Given that Harper is in power solely because I gave up my riding so he could run, I am angry that he has reneged on his deal. Naming the new month after himself, rather than me, is intolerable, and I shall have to take action to remedy the situation.”

 When pressed about what action he would take, Levant was at first hesitant, but then agreed the Alberta Human Rights Tribunal would be a logical start. “I have a very good working relationship with the Tribunal,” Levant said. “They agreed to give me the publicity I needed when certain groups did not like some cartoons I published. This is an excellent opportunity to return the favour.”


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