A Modest Proposal

For Preventing the Stray Cats, Dogs, Chickens and Potbelly Pigs of Regina From Being a Burden to the Regina Humane Society or City of Regina, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public
By Saskboy (2010) (Not Jon Swift)

Eat ’em.

(Be read to, instead of read:)


It’s a pitiful sight, rows of cats and dogs caged at the Regina Humane Society, and most there due to neglectful owners who indulged an urge to buy, and then were too cowardly to feast upon the pet flesh when it was no longer desired as a living comfort animal. These pets, instead of bringing joy to a child or adult owner, cause financial burden upon the City who is required to raise licensing fees by $190,000.

I think everyone agrees that whoever finds a solution to these stray animals, and saves the Public $190,000, would be regarded as a hero, and preserver of the city’s fine reputation as an agricultural and animal loving capital. Indeed, “Pile of [animal] Bones” is the basis for naming the jewel of the city – Wascana Lake. Animals play a key role in the image of the city, from the Canada Goose poop that cost millions to dig out of the lake in the Winter of 2003-2004, to the horse under every Mounted Police person.

But I intend to not only offer a solution that benefits the City, the Public, and the Regina Humane Society, but the animals themselves who are caged and await adoption into unfamiliar territories, or euthanization and the garbage heap. Indeed, my idea stems from a solution used by the Provincial Government in the past decade (as well as conversation with my intelligent friend who pointed out to me that animals are quite often tasty when prepared correctly). I hope my humble suggestion is not met with any opposition, given that it carefully weighs all options, and concludes the most reasonable way to save money, and provide value from stray livestock.

Instead of wasting edible livestock that have been mislabeled as “lost pets”, the Regina Humane Society should partner with the Regina Food Bank, and donate abandoned and wayward animals to where they are needed most – onto the plates of starving people in the City. A cat, I’m assured by a wealthy Hollywood celebrity, makes an excellent microwave dinner. A dog, properly fed for a few weeks, yields stir-fry or roast fit for a Queen. Chickens and pigs of different species also make excellent food, and can be found homes quickly with the Colonel, or Denny’s. Certain designer pigs may be worth more ($2000) on the pet market than as bacon and ribs, but current laws in the City prevent the Regina Humane Society from finding legal buyers of swine within the limits of Regina. Fortunately, no such law prohibits the gift of pork and chicken to the Regina Food Bank, and with the right sort of inspection, stray cats and dogs can also serve their city (by being served by their city) after letting their previous owners down in disgrace by abandoning them.

I declare, with total sincerity, that I have no personal stake in promoting this important idea. I have no motive beyond seeing my City save hundreds of thousands of dollars for the better use by the Public, and providing disgraced stray livestock with a more noble purpose than can be found at the end of a vet’s toxic needle. Don’t you agree it’s better they find themselves at the end of a hungry person’s fork? And my pet goldfish is incapable of disgracing himself by running away from home, as he’s needed a wheelchair since 2006.
Comet, with Wheelchair
I’m quite well fed, and have a pet dog who enjoys barbecue.

ADDED: I’ve had a suggestion that this post needs a photo of Alf.


4 responses to “A Modest Proposal

  1. Saskboy, before you try donating a few cat and dog carcasses to the Regina food bank, try donating them a small bag of UNWASHED potatoes from your garden. It seems that the food bank that so desperately needs the food, and the starving that require them simply cannot find it within their where for all to wash a potato before cooking (and eating) it.

    Since I gave my time to plant, water, weed and harvest those Yukon Gold’s as part of my ‘grow a row for the needy’, it seems that I am required to wash and pre-prep the food for those who, in my opinion, are too lazy to do the simplest of food prep themselves.

    As my hard work of tending for others was turned away because a little dirt on a potato is too much effort for those who are hungry, out of disgust I tossed my food for the poor in the local Lorass bin. The food bank can kiss my @ss for any further donations, and those who need can do like I do and work for it.

  2. In fact, the city administration indicated to me at a public meeting that there are a great many people in this city who are starving, but are too lazy(?) to raise a garden. They didn’t use the word lazy, but it’s one of their possible meanings. Because of this laziness, they’d hate to see someone try to raise chickens half-assed, when those same people can’t be trusted, in their opinion, to dig potatoes out of the dirt.

    I don’t attribute this to laziness, I attribute it to education, fear, and counter-marketing, as well as poor time management. Poor people, if they even have a daylight hour to go dig in the dirt each day, are told on TV and radio that they’ll die of illness if their food isn’t from a surface cleaned by a lady using a smiling bald man smelling of pine. It’s counter-intuitive to use food one covered in dirt *gasp*.

    The food bank should never have turned away your potatoes, their worker clearly either lacked proper mental functioning, or just as likely, was told by a superior to suspend common sense.

  3. Pingback: Letter to Councilor « Saskboy's Abandoned Stuff – Site News

  4. I’m guessing a lot of these “lazy” hungry people in Regina lack housing, or live in an apartment or townhouse where there is nowhere to plant a garden. And people living a transient, hand-to-mouth life usually don’t know where they will be in three weeks, let alone at harvest time. That said, as far as I know, man food banks in Ontario are hooked up with programs to collect produce from home and community gardeners or programs that will come and pick the apples or whatever off your fruit trees and give them to the food bank

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